Post Date April, 15 2023
I am a same-wife and my husband is gay. Like most people, I don't know what a same-wife is until I marry him. But after I understood everything, I found it was so cold and helpless. After two years of marriage, I have been patient and waiting for him to change, but he is still heartless and indifferent. There are more and more cracks between us, and the pain is increasing day by day.
It was three months after my marriage that I found out about him. I cried for three days and three nights without eating anything. On countless cold and helpless nights, I found thousands of reasons to swear that I would go through the divorce formalities tomorrow, no matter it was windy or rainy. But when I saw his face more painful and haggard than mine, my heart softened again.
I adore his beauty and talent. I can't forget all the good things I did to me when I was in love. I often think that he is so excellent, so talented, so elegant. If he is a normal man and has a normal sexual orientation, how good it would be, how happy our life should be. I can have children for him, and then I am willing to spend my whole life with him, but all this is impossible.
He gave me two ways, either divorce, and I will bring it up at any time, he will help me, or he also allows me to find a man outside, don't let me too hard.
For two years, I have been struggling on these two roads. My girlfriend is very supportive of looking for men outside, but I really can't do it. Divorcing him is what I want most, but I am a very traditional woman and I love him very much. I am afraid that my leaving will only make his life more gloomy.
I have been trying to change him with time and patience, but after two years, I am really tired and seem a little desperate. Now I don't know what to do? How should I choose my future?
Reply:
You said, "I have been patient and waiting for him to change for two years since I got married, but he is still ruthless and indifferent." As a wife, not only can't get sexual satisfaction, but also suffers from neglect and indifference. After a long time, she will even suffer from domestic violence, as well as the threat of sexually transmitted diseases and AIDS. I understand your pain and your expectation of "he will change". But you should know that sexual orientation is genetically determined and irreversible. Give up the unreasonable expectation of "expecting him to change". All you have to do is accept or give up.
He is also very painful and doesn't want to do this to you, but he can't do it. It is as difficult to make him intimate with you as it is to ask you to intimate with the same sex. He is also a victim. It is the social environment of heterosexualism that forces him to take the road of "cheating marriage". He is also helpless. If our society can tolerate and understand homosexuality more, let homosexuality breathe freely as heterosexual, and marry legally, he doesn't need to use you to promote heterosexual marriage to hide homosexual identity and make you a victim.
He hid his homosexual identity from you at the beginning, perhaps with the luck that you can accept. When he saw that you can't accept such pain after marriage, he could make a decision that "either divorce, I will bring it up at any time, he will help me, or he also allowed me to find a man outside, don't let me suffer too hard." Such a decision is very rare. This man, besides his sexual orientation, doesn't meet your needs. His talent, mind and attitude towards his lover deserve our respect.
Don't leave because he is handsome, talented and kind to you when you are in love. You are also worried that he will be more painful after leaving. I want to leave because you can't stand asexual marriage, the cold and helplessness of countless nights.
The two ways he gave you can't accept the suggestion of divorce. If you are allowed to find a man outside, he is also forced to put it forward against your will, and you are not willing to go this way. It is disrespectful to you and him, and there is a high risk. I suggest giving up.
Through your letter, I want to say a few words to the marriageable girl: The best way to avoid falling into the same wife by mistake is to make more contact when in love, and observe his attitude towards the opposite sex and his reaction to the intimacy behavior of the opposite sex. If a marriageable boy doesn't like contact with the opposite sex, doesn't respond to the temptation or intimacy of the opposite sex or even shows disgust, and doesn't want to be lecherous at all, then you should be careful. It is very necessary to extend the investigation until it is confirmed that he is not gay.
(Intern editor: Cai Junyi)
