Post Date April, 15 2023
Recently, I have a heart attack. Actually, my mind is very clear, but why can't I let it go?
I, who used to never add strangers, recently added a stranger to QQ. His information is so simple that it only has a QQ number and no content to display. When he added me, I refused and added the content of the refusal: whoareyou? Then he replied to me in English, feeling quite fluent. I, who is learning English, seem to have found someone who can practice English with me, so I added him again. At the beginning, we rarely chatted, and I refused to use Chinese. He learned about my basic situation in English, including my age, work, approximate residence, marital status, beauty level, and so on. I think since I have a learning mindset, if you want to ask, just ask. Anyway, it's nothing. And when I asked him about things, he didn't say much, always emphasizing that he didn't want to bring things from the internet into reality. And when asked if I had ever had an affair, I truthfully replied that he didn't, and didn't think much about why he asked. He said I was a good girl.
There's nothing bad about meeting and chatting in English online like this. But later on, he tried to open my heart, which was my most vulnerable aspect. In the past two years, my relationship with my husband has been not very good because he wanted to have a second child, and I didn't agree; My daughter's sleeping with us also affects our marital life. He keeps all of this in mind and has accumulated deep resentment. He is cold and lonely towards me, unwilling to communicate. I feel so lonely in the depths of my heart, feeling like a duckweed with no place to rest. When this netizen launched a psychological attack, I felt like my heart had burst, but I didn't show it too much, just expressed my acquiescence.
He saw a change in my attitude and then launched further psychological attacks, leaving me at a loss because I really had no experience. One holiday afternoon, he suddenly went online (we usually don't go online after work or on holidays) and asked if I was at home and if my husband was at home. I told him I was at home, but my husband wasn't at home. He initiated a cybersex against me (which I only later learned about), and I felt that my soul was almost raped by him. I refused him to continue speaking, and he stopped. Then I got angry and told him not to talk to me in the future.
After the holiday, we went to work and he apologized to me online, saying that this kind of cybersex is very typical online. I asked him, is it necessary to use another way to make up for the lack of satisfaction in real life? He said he has good sex and good relationships in real life, but he just feels a bit greedy. If I don't want to do something in the future, I will definitely not force it. He still wants to keep me (because through understanding, he knows I am beautiful, knowledgeable, and meaningful), so he says he can talk about work and other things. Later on, those were the topics we talked about, and gradually I didn't have any aversion to him. He changed his strategy and approach towards me, launching cyberlove, and I knew I was gradually falling in love with him, although I couldn't even capture his shadow.
And he would leave me QQ messages on the hotel computer very late during his business trip. Sometimes, before I even entered the company, he would wait for me online. In recent days, he has returned from a business trip and I haven't seen him on Q, so I don't want to leave him any messages or anything? Because I am very clear about what I want to do, I still want to defend my current family. I know that my husband cares about me, and we all deeply love our lovely daughter. Even if I got divorced due to a momentary impulse, I couldn't find the perfect or ideal man, and then I had to bear the condemnation of my conscience, not daring to imagine the feeling of divorce, only knowing that it was a more terrifying abyss.
Why can't I let go of someone who has never seen a shadow before (except for a Q number with no contact information) and I want to forget him? Can't forget?
(Intern Editor: Lai Jiaxing)
