The topic of love is the exploration of 'happiness'. Generally, we calculate happiness based on how much we have, which is common in blind dates and other occasions, and is a consideration for the beginning or end of a relationship. The roles in a relationship are bidirectional and "calculated" differently.
We may not be able to be with the people we love, which is a common phenomenon in love. When this phenomenon occurs, people learn from experience to place themselves in the most relaxed position. At the beginning of a person, being loved is a basic need and a habit. Growth is about continuous learning. Being loved is indeed a need, but not a habit that can be fulfilled at any time. Because what is inseparable from being loved is the 'lover'.
Loving and being loved are two coexisting needs and abilities, and our hearts are like the bright and dark sides of the moon. The moon rotates, so sometimes what appears in front of others is the beloved side, and sometimes the beloved side. Sometimes we hide the self we want to love, and sometimes we suppress the need to be loved deep inside.
1、 Love is a contradiction
Everyone pursues happiness, but why do some people in love tend to be passive rather than proactive?
In Plato's dialogue 'Symposium', the priestess Diotima tells Socrates about the origin of love: the goddess Aphrodite gave a birthday banquet. After the banquet, the son of the cunning god, the wealthy god, got drunk and walked into Zeus' garden to sleep soundly. The God of Poverty begged according to tradition. When she saw the God of Wealth and wanted to have his child, she slept beside him. Therefore, the God of Love is the child of the God of Poverty and the God of Wealth, possessing both contradictory qualities. There is both a mother's greed and a father's beauty and creativity.
Austrian psychologist Theodor Reik used this to describe the emotional changes, such as failure, expectations, and satisfaction, of a romantic partner. Discontent and happiness, inner poverty and wealth intertwine and transform. The pursuit of a relationship in love is like the poor (who have nothing) always begging the wealthy (who own it).
2、 Satisfaction and Lack
Some people may feel like they have fallen in love with someone and feel like they have lost. It is a psychological class inequality, not a substantive one, but no one likes this state of dissatisfaction.
Breaking away from the self frame of being loved and regaining the ability to actively love is to understand that this psychological state is not a physical state. A person who has much better conditions than another person in all aspects also faces an inner sense of scarcity in pursuit, because the pursuer desires the other person to integrate into themselves, which is equivalent to opening a gap in their own life. Therefore, this sense of scarcity is created by the pursuer themselves. This also explains why one can maintain a stable psychological state in life before meeting the person they like.
Love is a potential need that opens a gap when it bursts out. Needs need to be compensated for. When needs are not met, people will feel a sense of scarcity, and when the once filled part is forcefully cut, it will bring pain.
3、 The deepest fear
Avoiding pain is equivalent to suppressing needs. Because being loved is a part of love, but loving someone is another part. When a person is only willing to be filled with someone, they are giving up half of their inner needs.
Healthy love and being loved have consistency: "A wealthy person honestly expresses their inner selves, opens up the walls of guarding treasures in intimate relationships, and shares them with each other
Unhealthy love and being loved also have consistency, which is a state of unwillingness to open oneself. The lover and the loved one intend to plunder each other greedily, although the other's soul may not be richer than oneself. Some of their cities are towering, and love only enters but cannot leave; Or overly open up to each other and shift the responsibility for self-management to the other party - out of a reaction of timidity and fear.
Before you came, I was still me. The deepest fear of love is losing myself. Love and being loved is the process of learning to overcome fear, just like facing work, unfamiliar environments, or any necessary tests.
Happiness is not feeling afraid in love. Whether you are the active or passive party, if you feel afraid, it is recommended to carefully examine the relationship before the problem becomes uncontrollable.
Returning to the question at the beginning, choose the person who loves you or the person you love? No matter what you choose, it must originate from love in order for this proposition to hold true. I will choose the person I love, and what is your answer?
Conclusion: Escaping pain is not equivalent to embracing happiness.