Post Date April, 15 2023
Gender marriage: two people falling in love is not about changing but adapting
Yesterday, I received a letter from a woman from Dayan, the content of which is as follows:
"I am a woman who does not easily bow to fate, but I have fallen into a dilemma in my marriage life.".
After graduating from college, my classmates have sought connections to enter administrative agencies and institutions, while I can only go to one town to run a factory. From the day I entered the factory, I placed my hope on my future husband. I wanted to find a husband that everyone admired. For this reason, I have been picking and choosing for many years, but there are really not many people who can be seen in small towns, while my age is slowly increasing.
It wasn't until the fall of 1989 that I was introduced to my current husband. He was a clerk in the county government office, with a handsome appearance and a humble and easygoing manner. His parents had prepared a marriage room with three bedrooms and one living room for him. Such good conditions made me hurry to marry him without much thought, starting with a marriage that later made me regret.
After marriage, I gradually realized that under the handsome appearance of my husband, there was packaged a vulgar soul that did not seek improvement. Although he shows great care for me and takes the initiative to take on all the housework, including washing, scrubbing, cooking, and bringing the children, I prefer him to work hard for his career all day long, even if it's okay for me to take on all the housework. "But he was afraid of dealing with people, had no independent opinions, had no sense of crisis, and dared not speak loudly in front of the leader. After work, he curled up in his small home, reading newspapers and watching TV.". What makes me despise the most is that in order to obtain a small position as deputy section chief, he did not strive for it through diligent work, but instead relied on gifts to win the favor of his superiors. Moreover, when he came to give gifts, he dared not show his presence, but let me go.
I'm really disappointed living with such a man. Although our salary is not low, it cannot make up for my spiritual emptiness. "I have encouraged him to work hard and urge him to learn more than once, but he said that he had a good life and didn't want to suffer any more.". I humiliated and mocked him, but he remained indifferent. Many people say that I have found a good husband in my previous life, but in my bones, I simply despise him.
The gap between ideal and reality has discouraged me from marriage. I believe that men should have the fortitude and ambition of being tenacious and striving hard. Although I am an ordinary and weak woman, I hope my husband is strong, enterprising, and able to protect me. However, the reality is just the opposite.
The frustration of my marriage has caused me to lose confidence and interest in everything, and I have been surrounded by an inexplicable sense of irritability and anxiety all day long. I live very suffocating, boring, and bitter. Sometimes when I meet a man I admire, I feel an urge to fall in love or even commit to him. There are so many good men in the world, why doesn't one belong to me. Excuse me, is this idea of mine irredeemably corrupt? "I want a divorce, but I can't bear to part with my children. Besides, my husband doesn't seek improvement, I really can't tell him what's wrong with him.". I'm very ambivalent, I don't know what to do with myself?
Zhejiang Xiaomei "
After reading this letter, I immediately replied to the lady.
Ms. Xiaomei:
You aspire to have a strong and enterprising husband, and there is nothing wrong with this ideal. Psychologist Jung believes that everyone is born with certain characteristics of the opposite sex, and in order to achieve knowledge and balance, it is necessary to allow the opposite sex characteristics of personality to be displayed in people's consciousness and behavior. "Just because of social and cultural reasons, people often disguise the other side of their personality with heterosexual characteristics.". Jung used "Anima" to express the female side of male psychology; "Animes" is used to indicate the masculine characteristics of a woman. "Animes" actually provides an idealized male image for women, which is heroic, strong, intelligent, talented, and physically strong. Because women themselves are weak, passive, and expectant animals that need to be driven, sheltered, dependent, and pampered. A woman's search for an object is actually looking for herself. The object must be like herself. Only men who have masculine and intense characteristics and can bring a sense of dependency, security, and guidance to women can become female idols. This idol prototype is the basis for sexual attraction and choice, which is also the standard for women to choose a mate.
You have great hopes for your future, and you place your hopes for rewriting your destiny on your future husband. "However, you judge people by their appearance, only seeing their appearance and work status, and lacking a detailed understanding and comparison of their personality differences, so you quickly get married, which has laid the foundation for your unfortunate marriage.". When you discover that your husband does not possess the fortitude in your heart, everything explodes. In the final analysis, the focus of your dissatisfaction with your husband is that he cannot become the "Animes" in your heart.
On the other hand, the personality characteristics of your husband also reflect a phenomenon that has attracted the attention of sociologists in recent years, namely, the phenomenon of yin flourishing and yang declining.
Under the influence of the traditional Confucian culture of moderation in China, the masculine characteristics of men in psychology and personality are constantly being weakened, and the inherent male characteristics of men have not been fully developed and expanded, but have instead been imprisoned and distorted. From the ancient weak scholar and cream student to today's model husband and "good family man", not only weakens men in personality, but also further weakens them from the perspective of family and society. Men who grow up in this cultural background naturally lack the virility to stand up to the sky and show excessive affectation of gentleness and obedience.
However, this androgynous neutral role has increasingly been criticized, resented, and disgusted by contemporary women, and is more prominently reflected in women's desire to choose a mate. This is a powerful challenge for men and a severe criticism of traditional culture. More and more women hope that men will break away from the shackles of traditional culture, fully demonstrating the rugged and vigorous masculinity and deep and resolute fortitude that men themselves should possess. They hope that men will become well-deserved men in terms of physical significance, social roles, and psychological characteristics, not just in terms of physical definition and social definition. I think you should be one of them.
It is often said that men conquer women by conquering the world, and women conquer the world by conquering men. Therefore, to some extent, it can be said that men hold the key to women's happiness. All women want to marry the best man in the world, but it turns out to be just a beautiful wish. "Because there is no standard for determining whether marriage is good or bad, there is only a difference between suitable and unsuitable. Although better heterosexuals continue to emerge from our perspective, the best and best are not necessarily the most suitable.". For marriage, only the most suitable is the best. Of course, we cannot see that one loves the other, because marriage means responsibilities and obligations, and we only have the right to choose before marriage, rather than the right to arbitrarily abandon after marriage.
From the information in your letter, it can be seen that your husband is not without merit. This can also be seen from the fact that others call him a model husband, and your marriage has not reached the level of severity that necessitates dissolution. If you want to get rid of the negative emotions of depression, depression, and frustration, first of all, you need to change your misconception about marriage. I propose the following views for your reference:
1. Improve communication and understanding between couples. In fact, everyone wants to become a hero that everyone admires, but what a person does is limited by multiple factors such as their own quality and surrounding environment. Your husband may have his own difficulties and reasons for doing that. Couples are birds of the same fate. You should understand that they encourage them, influence them with their positive actions, and not blame them everywhere. Taunting and belittling can only frustrate his confidence. Looking at the other person with an appreciative eye will reveal his brilliance, while looking at him with a critical eye will naturally be filled with shortcomings.
Reduce expectations for your spouse. Happiness=satisfaction/expectation. The higher the expectation, the more difficult it is to meet, and people will often be in a state of frustration. On the contrary, by actively lowering expectations for your spouse, you will find that your spouse is better than you expect, resulting in psychological satisfaction.
"Allow marriage to have certain flaws, because everyone is not perfect.". If your husband works hard at his career and doesn't have much time to care for his family, you will inevitably experience another kind of loss. There are also many wives who feel dejected about marrying such a husband. You have one thing in common with them: they don't value what they have, they only care about what they lose.
4. Change yourself. Rather than passively waiting, it is better to actively seek the golden key to happiness. Every woman has her own idol in her heart, and she has her own "Animes" archetype. The worship of idols is the worship of herself. If we cannot change and rely on our spouse, then we may as well change ourselves, change passivity into initiative, change passivity into initiative, and through our hard work and hard work, rewrite our destiny, holding the golden key to happiness in our hands!
