After the argument between the couple, many people concluded that it was their husband's male chauvinism that was causing the problem. I think there is nothing to explain about male chauvinism, which is a typical issue of traditional consciousness and should not be a topic of excessive analysis by psychologists. But in marriage counseling, I found that many couples, especially those who are wives, have a misconception about male chauvinism. They believe that as long as a husband does not act according to his wife's wishes, it is a manifestation of male chauvinism. This reminds me of the "crime of hooliganism" before the amendment of the Criminal Law. As the saying goes, "hooliganism (crime)" is a basket, and everything is loaded into it. "Male chauvinism has also become such a basket, where everything that should and shouldn't be loaded is loaded into it, feeling confused. Under the banner of male chauvinism, couples often argue
At first glance, Wang Zhen, who has turned 43 years old, is a typical example of male chauvinism. His wife has never denied this either. Wang Zhen had a famous saying to his wife: "Just do a good job of household chores at home. Don't worry too much about men's affairs. Don't nag all day." Of course, this is sometimes said to his wife when he is calm, but more often it happens when two people speak ill of each other. Wang Zhen has a very good profession: a doctor; There is also the highest degree: PhD. In the past decade, he has been divorced three times and is the biological father of two boys and one girl. No, as this fourth marriage - still lasting less than three years - approaches the brink of disintegration, 'Wang Zhen was dragged by his wife to seek advice from me. In their opinion, marriage cannot continue and it is still caused by Wang Zhen's chauvinism!
Wang Zhen is not mentioned in his career, he is the deputy director of internal medicine at a famous hospital. He said that his male chauvinism is mainly manifested when there are conflicts between career and family, which often occur. So, the wife of the "careful eye" couldn't bear it anymore. To concretize this issue, I asked Wang Zhen to give me a recent example in front of his wife and analyze it for him.
Last Sunday, due to the completion of an important research project, Wang Zhen and several of his graduate students were working overtime - which was extremely common for him. Around 8 o'clock, his wife called him and asked, "Are you coming home for dinner tonight. That's right, he was really busy at that time. At 10 o'clock, his wife's phone rang again: "What time will you be home?" Wang Zhen replied, "I'm busy! I'm waiting for the results of an experiment." Without allowing my wife to say more, she hung up again. Wang Zhen didn't lie, he was indeed waiting for the experimental results, but while waiting, he was playing games on the computer Afterwards, every half an hour, my wife would make a phone call, "as if urging me to die. Until 3am, he angrily returned home and faced his equally angry wife, the two of whom had another argument.
Wang Zhen asked me a question: "Dr. Li, if you encounter such a situation, what would you do?... I really don't know, where did a man go wrong when he came home a few hours late under the current great work pressure
Such a question is not easy to answer directly, no matter how I do it, let alone in front of his wife. But this question provides me with the opportunity to help them understand their own problems.
I asked, "Do you know Professor Zhou?" I know, of course he does. He lives in the same city and major. Wang Zhen said he greatly admires Professor Zhou. I said that Professor Zhou and his wife are both good friends, and I know that they have a very good relationship, which is truly respectful.
Professor Zhou's work must have similarities with yours, right? "I asked politely. I emphasized the tone on the word 'similar'.
I noticed that Wang Zhen looked up at his wife with dissatisfaction. I seem to understand the meaning in that look: it's all my wife's fault.
I said Professor Zhou has a habit of calling his wife when he has nothing to do. This statement is a bit exaggerated, but during my contact with Professor Zhou, as long as it is not within the 8-hour working time, Professor Zhou will indeed call his wife first, such as taking the initiative to "take leave" every time he eats.
But I don't like men's behavior like this... "Wang Zhen thought it was inappropriate and immediately changed his tone." I don't have time, I'm all busy
Just now, didn't you say you were playing games while waiting for the experimental results? - At that time, you could have called your wife
Wang Zhen smiled awkwardly and said, "... mainly because he didn't have this consciousness. He always felt that there was no need for it
I asked Wang Zhen's wife, "Do you think it's necessary
My wife didn't answer me and cried. Experience has taught me that what this crying expresses is how much she cares about that phone call! How necessary is that kind of phone call between couples!
Wang Zhen really wants to maintain his marriage and change his current situation, handling the relationship between work and family well. More importantly, Wang Zhen began to believe that psychological counseling could provide him with assistance. He believes in me This creates conditions for exploring its underlying psychological motivations.
Wang Zhen's parents are engaged in geological work. Shortly after his birth, his parents entrusted the task of raising him to his grandparents living in the countryside due to work until he graduated from primary school. Although his parents were not around, they had relatively abundant income, which made Wang Zhen's childhood happy and full of a sense of superiority. That was a heaven like life, and even when I dream, I often dream about my childhood friends and some interesting things. When I reached the age of high school, Wang Zhen returned to his parents with a full accent, and everything changed greatly. Both parents are very strict people. He has heard his mother say to his father multiple times that he must take time to discipline this "wild child"... His parents have made strict study and life plans for him: he must speak Mandarin, must get up at 6 am on time, must make an appointment with a classmate before going to bed, and must brush his teeth and wash his feet before going to bed... Wang Zhen began his urban life, This kind of life lasted until marriage.
On the day of my wedding, I told my wife that I don't have to be controlled by my parents anymore! "Wang Zhen smiled and said.
But these days without parental control were not as unrestrained as he imagined, and he had conflicts with his wife over many things - "mainly trivial matters, of course". It was these conflicts that led to the dissolution of his three marriages.
Undoubtedly, the way we approach and approach any problem will be influenced by past experience, although this impact may be large or small. If we trace back further, we will see that there are shadows of childhood and adolescence in an adult's behavior, and whether this "shadow" can stand out and have an impact on adult behavior largely depends on whether it is suppressed or suppressed. This is the idea that psychoanalysis provides for psychologists. Following this idea, visitors can really understand why he is like this. For Wang Zhen, his life before junior high school was unrestrained. He could do whatever he wanted, which was the heaven realm that the id needed. But all of this came to an abrupt end as he came to his parents and the city, and the big boy who could do whatever he wanted was suppressed. Before getting married, the strict discipline and heavy learning tasks of his parents prevented this big boy from ever having a chance to show off. After marriage, he broke away from his parents' discipline... "I can finally say it at home, I am the head of the family!" The suppressed big boy began to dominate his behavior.
In real life, it is not difficult to find that those male chauvinists are precisely those who have a strong sense of responsibility, despite their discrimination against women and even domestic violence. In my words, these people not only realize that they are "men", but also do follow the traditional men (men in male chauvinist culture). On the contrary, there are many people who claim to be men but behave like 'big boys'. I have personally observed or heard of such 'big boys' in my daily life and during consultations through the mouth of the visitor's wife. They generally have the experience of their childhood happiness being suddenly interrupted, and their performance after marriage includes: being the "big shopkeeper" at home and not helping (up) even if the oil bottle falls; Playful children, such as those who fall in love with games and neglect their wives and children. They value their friends more than their wives; Stubborn and capricious, not directly conflicting with his wife's advice but passively resisting or avoiding it; Little talk in front of his wife, lack of deep communication... From the perspective of psychoanalysis, this "big boy" subconsciously treats his wife as his parents, and his wife's constraint will arouse his memories of being disciplined by his parents when he was suppressed in his early years.
Many men like Wang Zhen are very successful in their careers, but their marital life is a mess. Their understanding of marriage, emotions, and women often stays in the youthful boy stage, unwilling to grow up. However, it's not easy to distinguish between women and men. Bookstores are selling various books on the art of marriage and love, and foreigners have also written a book called 'Men from Mars, Women from Venus'. These "big boys" should calm down and read.
(Intern Editor: Chen Hao)