Post Date April, 15 2023
After graduating from college, I leaped out of the vast army of job seekers and was lucky to work in a large company. The company is a national operation mechanism, and I am surprised by its income and benefits, which are many times better than my other classmates. Therefore, I cherish this job very much. I am diligent every day.
My department manager, surnamed Qian, is in his 40s and has been divorced for many years. In fact, it should be easy to remarry according to the good conditions of his car and house, but he is still single. Colleagues said that the reason why he didn't remarry was that he had a strange temper, and that he also had a man's lascivious nature. His girlfriend often changed and looked very happy. However, I still read the depression, desire and anxiety of a single middle-aged man from the way he looked at me and other girls. So I always keep a moderate distance from him.
I had just worked for five months, and at the end of the year, I heard that the company was going to lay off workers, but I had not passed the probation period. I was very frightened.
That afternoon, Manager Qian took the initiative to talk to me. First of all, I said that the company has suffered serious losses in the past year and had to implement the layoff plan. Then I said that my performance is not very outstanding and I am on the verge of being laid off. The department layoffs are mainly recommended by the manager, so he hoped that I would improve efficiency and work hard in the recent month. I know what his implication is. Doesn't it mean that my fate is in his hands? What's more, he is suggesting what I can do to avoid being laid off!
That night, I lost sleep. Do I really want to please him at all costs for this job? No, never! I said to myself in my heart.
A week later, the manager will go to other places on business, and he chose me to go with him. On the way back to the hotel after finishing the work, he asked me if I would like to accompany him to the bar? At that time, it was only around 8 o'clock in the evening. I couldn't refuse him, so I agreed to him.
That night, he didn't talk much, just drank one cup after another. Finally, I had to help him back to the hotel. When I saw him into the room and turned to leave, I didn't expect him to catch me. His red eyes could not hide my inner desire. I immediately panicked and tried to calm down and said, "You drink too much, have a good rest." Before the words fell, he threw himself up and hugged me, and then put his mouth on my face. I pushed him away, but I was not his opponent. "Listen to me, I know what you want, and I will satisfy you," he murmured. I just feel sick. He knows that I can't give up this job, and even uses such means to blackmail me. I wanted to escape, but I just couldn't get rid of his strong hands that trapped me. I thought to myself that he was drunk anyway, maybe just talking nonsense would fall asleep. Just as I hesitated, he took off my clothes three times, five times and two times, and couldn't wait to throw me on the bed... At the critical moment, I suddenly involuntarily resisted and burst into tears. He stopped and asked me suspiciously: "Don't cry, will you? Don't cry..." But I still couldn't stop crying. He was tired of hearing it and shouted loudly: "Get out! Get out!"
In panic, I quickly put on my clothes and went back to my room in fear. In the bathroom, I washed myself and felt humiliated all over. I can't wash it off.
I shed tears and recall my young love and experience. Who am I guarding my chastity for? Half a year ago, I deeply loved him for two years and gave all my life to his boyfriend. Didn't he also leave me for a good city and a good job on the eve of graduation? What did I get after a sincere love? After all I have paid, is it not the same as nothing? Is there really a man who knows how to cherish in this world? Will any man really care about my virginity?
Chaotic thoughts and intricate thoughts haunt my mind one after another. I'm out of control. When my mind was almost suffocated by myself, I finally made up my mind.
When he heard the knock at the door, he opened the door and saw that it was me. A flash of surprise passed through his eyes. "What's the matter? Are you afraid that I will eat you?" His words were straightforward and sharp, which made me feel humiliated. I think he knows why I knocked at the door. He even guessed that I would knock at the door. When I do such a thing, I have a deep sadness in my heart.
I went straight to the bed and took off my overcoat, which was thin pajamas. But he stood there watching me. I had to walk up to him, hug him, put my face against his chest and said, "Forgive me, OK?" He just laughed and said, "That's right." As he spoke, he peeled off my clothes, and I suppressed my inner disgust and tried to cater to him
This time, my job was saved.
However, with this time, soon, there was a second time, a third time in succession... My feeling of him also changed from initial dislike to dependence. We meet regularly. I slowly find the happiness of being a woman from him. I feel that I need his smell and warmth. I even fantasize about marrying him.
Four months later, I found out that I was pregnant. I called him in a panic. He said casually at the end of the phone, "Do it. You don't want to have a baby for me, do you? You are only with me to achieve a certain purpose and meet physiological needs. You won't really love me? But to be honest, you are really happy with me..." I hung up before he finished his words. My face was full of tears. I cried until I was hoarse and cold all over.
I went to the hospital to have an abortion and had to continue to work the next day, but he didn't even ask me or even glance at me again. However, I took him as my own man, and with humiliation, I imagined that he could hug my lonely and cold body and mind again.
(Intern editor: Cai Junyi)
